The Second Star IV

I feel like such a fucking loser.

Im sorry, he may be a "man of God" or whatever, but i can't stand him.  Frankly, i cant stand any of them.  Since when is it about putting yourself ABOVE others?  Its manipulative, its condescending, and its almost disgusting.  Please stop.

Oh snap.











Palahniuk owns btw.

I feel like a whore.

Whatever.

Don't judge.

I may have gotten in a little deep here.  Shit.

I am Joe's flaming heart.

Fucking Rhapsody in Blue still makes my hair stand on end.  I love this song... and the middle section could make a grown man cry, really it could.

Also, this summer has been a disappointment. 

But it has made a few things very clear.

At least i can now say I am 100% myself again, and that i definitely know who "myself" is.

*thinks*

I have 3* of the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for.  I need nothing else.

Sweet.

This shit has gone on way to long.

I've made the turn.

You can start addressing me by Joe again!

I just don't get life lately....

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm a fuckin' boy

Seriously, i had forgotten how fuckin good Blink-182 is.  God i miss them...

I suppose if life was easy, it wouldn't be any fun, huh?

There is just so much going through my mind right now, i dont know what to do with it all.  Why her?  She didn't deserve it.  No one deserves that.  So why her?  I dont get it.  It just blows my mind man.  And I just sends me off on a long walk of the mind thinking; well if its that easy, what am I doing with myself?  Ive suddenly gotten the urge to quit school and move out west to play music.  Ive lost the passion for being at uconn, and that scares me.  I can feel my life slipping through my hands like a dream slips away from you in the morning, the more i think about it, the more it just become unclear to me.  I dont know what i want anymore.  I want to be educated, but im sick of sitting through education.  I hate all the classes, but i love learning.  I just dont get myself.  And then theres the whole issue with everything else... hahaha.  I miss hanging out with her, why cant we just be friends.  And then i think to myself, why cant YOU and i be more than friends?  And then i think, wait i dont really have freinds.  Well i do have at least one amazing friend, I dont know many people who would sit in a school parking in my car with the windows down in the music up, smoking 27s and listening to coldplay.  Thank you for being amazing.  I miss all my friends.  Im sick of this house, i sick of everything in it, and im sick of everyone in it.  Including myself.  Im kinda tired of being Joe.  Joe is old news to me.  Why cant i be some one different for a bit?  How about someone without deep seeded emotional issues that he can't deal with so he masks over it as much as possible?  How about someone who is content where they are and lets things come and go without going nuts?  How about someone who doesnt get sick over and ex girlfriend who really in all honesty isnt that nice to him?  How about someone without a mother who makes him want to shoot a kitten?  How about someone who doesnt have a right leg in muscle atrophy?  How about someone with the willpower to quit smoking?  I just want to be different, i want to be joe from before.  Happy (for the most part) Joe.  Joe who had deep morals, joe who didnt enjoy partying, joe who would never dream of smoking cigarettes, joe who spent his life loving everyone he could as much as he could an never expected anything back.  Maybe thats it, maybe im finally fed up with never getting anything back.  I give so much of myself but I feel like i dont get anything in return.  I had someone tell me this week that im an amazing friend.  You know what, i could roll with that.  I think i am a pretty damn good friend.  But do any of my friends ever call me?  Look at my phone records, you can find that every call that isnt my parents is outgoing.  I call everyone.  I have to ask them.  And i dont mind it, but when does anyone ever call me to ask me to hang out for the night?  Theres only two explanations, and thats either that Im a really awesome friend and they all suck, or that in actuallity, im a shitty friend and everyone really doesnt like me.  And you know what, im leaning toward the latter.  I saw Zack and jenna and alyssa at the service today.  They said they didnt recognize me.  I hope they meant tht in a good way.  They seemed happy to see me.  Was that fake?  I saw rachel's mom too.  She is such a wonderful person, she just freakin radiates love.  She told me to come by and visit.  I love Mr. and Mrs. Lang.. they are amzing people, and i would love to come by and visit.  Too bad it probably wont ever happen again.  I saw brendan and angela for the first time in a while.  I miss them a lot.  I miss those days.  I loved life back then.  Mere was there too.  I missed her a ton.  Her and I need to hang out.  I saw a lot of people.  Open your shell a little please. Remember, the pearl is inside the oyster, the only way to see it is to open up.  I cried at the service.  For the first time in a long time i cried because i was legitimately sad.  To see all the lives that she touched, to see the pain in everyones eyes, to see the love people had for her, and then to see everyone leave and have to go on with their lives...  Its so heart breaking, I hate seeing people sad.  She had gorgeous eyes you know... that was the first thing i noticed when i met her.  Those eyes...

The world is a cruel place.

Maybe thats why birds fly through the air,
They forsee the pain of walking through a world such as ours..

Life is a fragile bauble hanging by a silk thread. 
Welcome to reality.
It fucking sucks.

fuck, if this is how its gonna have to be, then so be it, i have no choice.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

"But I tried, didn't I?  At least I did that."

    - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I held a 5 minute conversation with a cardinal I saw through my window today. 

Please get me out of this house.